Today I’m sad-mad.
I have projected my mad onto many poor souls and objects…
Myself and God.
But I’m mostly mad at me with the close runner-up being God… and that makes me sad.
For some reason, my Wonder Woman is not working right now. The day has ended with me crying in the shower telling God it’s all too hard. I told Him that I cannot do it all anymore.
Anyone else ever felt like this?
I went back into full-time work this year, in a job that I love but it’s so busy, and the workload is endless. PLUS I’m trying really hard to get my own business running. Oh, and did I mention I’m married and have three young children, all of whom need my time and attention (and I adore giving it). Let alone give time to my wider family and friends!
For the first half of the year, things have been sailing pretty smoothly with the work/family balance. However, the business side has been bare-bones treatment, and it’s been killing me. I know it’s a dream God birthed in my heart and something I’m meant to steward well.
So I committed to getting some work done around my message, it’s been tough, like plowing ground in the fields out west that haven’t seen a drop of rain in far too long.
I’ve been reading, ‘Building a Story Brand: Clarify Your Message so Customers Listen,’ by Donald Miller (A must read for any woman in business). It has been inspiring and helping me move forward with some clarity and changes. The thing is, the last couple of weeks have been a bit messy. I’ve tried to press into the business side of things, and everything seems to be coming undone.
And here I am, crying in the shower, mad at myself for letting the wheels fall off, mad that I’m not being the best wife and mother, mad that the job that I love is causing me frustration right now because it’s taking away time from doing what I feel God has placed in my heart. I’m mad at God because shouldn’t He have my back if this is Him?
“I really thought I was following you, God?”
“I feel stuck, scattered, unsure and irrational… and I can’t escape, I want to, but I can’t… and really, I know that when the emotions settle, I don’t want to.”
“But where to from here God?”
“Where do I go to find peace when all that I can find is turmoil in my soul? Where can I find a deep thirst filling well in this dry and empty desert?”
Well, even though I’m mad-sad with God, I have learned that it’s always me, not Him and that perhaps He wants to reveal a new facet of who He is in this situation. Sure enough, because He is God and He is always good, He revealed His tender mercies to me.
Hosea 2:14 reads,
“I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.” (TPT)
I was following Him.
I had followed Him into a desert.
In the desert I have become so weary, wanting to give up and so discouraged that I have cried out, and after my crying out (ok, let’s call it for what it really is, a tanty) I have no energy left to do anything but be still and quiet and to listen.
In the stillness of the desert, God began to speak tenderly to this wannabe business Mumma-school teacher-wifey…
And His words are a mixture of sweet honey and life-giving water for my soul…
He loves me just as I am.
He fully accepts my human fragility and still loves me.
He shows me unmerited kindness even when I have been unkind to Him and myself.
And He whispers truth words I need to take hold of in my heart, soul and mind.
“Look I am about to do something I have never done before!
It will spring up right in front of your eyes—Can’t you recognize what I’m doing? I will open up streams in the desert and paths through the wilderness.” – Isaiah 43:19 (TPT)
“God will lead His people along an unknown path, one never seen before. He will make their dark mystery bright with light, and smooth their difficult road. He will straighten every crooked thing in front of them so they can move forward without fear, they will never be forsaken.” – Isaiah 42:16
Escaping this path is not an option.
Trying to find the easy road isn’t the path He is leading me on.
Of course, it’s going to have really tough moments.
Of course, it will feel like way too much.
It’s meant to feel too hard for me because God is the one leading, not me. When I set my eyes on all the things…well, the weight is just too much for this little lady to bear. I actually can’t do it. But God can, and God alone will receive the glory.
So where do you run when the wheels feel like they’re all falling off? Run to the One who will speak tenderly to you, to the One who allows you to cling to Him in the desert and to the One who never forsakes a heart that is reaching out to Him.